Welcome to the Safer Heart Talk!
Engaging in the Safer Heart Talk will help you understand your own needs and preferences, while also learning more about your partner(s). This open dialogue serves as a foundation for decision-making and informed consent: Are we aligned in our expectations for this connection? Based on what I know now, do I want to proceed.
To get started, simply go through the questions thoughtfully and openly with your partner(s). Not all questions may be necessary for your particular situation and some may be missing. Consider this as a starting point and feel free to adjust the framework to suit your specific needs and circumstances.
On the last page you will find examples of how others have used the Safer Heart Talk for themselves.
Thank you for being brave and taking this step towards navigating relationships with honesty and respect. I hope you find the journey rewarding.
1. Identity and Preferred Relationship Structures:
Gender & pronouns, sexual orientation, Kink identity
This is how I would describe my relationship style: e.g. Single, Monogamous, Monogamish,Open Relationship, Hierarchical/Non-hierarchical/ Polyamorous, Solo Poly, Relationship Anarchist,
What does this relationship style mean to me? What needs & wants do I hope to fulfill with this relationship structure?
What is my experience level with non-monogamy, and how might it influence my interactions/relationships?
2. Current Relationship Status:
What significant romantic/sexual relationships do I have in my life and how do I relate to them?
What commitments do I have with them (e.g. kids/pets, complete financial integration, house ownership, business partners, support though (mental) health challenges …)?
Are there some partners that I give priority/ certain privileges in my life and include into my decision making process? e.g. a nesting partner, a “primary partner“ and “hierarchy”/”couple privilege”? What do these privileges look like? (e.g. relationship labels such as “partner” or “boyfriend/girlfriend”, a key to the apartment, „veto power“?)
How do metamours relate to one another? Is there an opportunity or expectation to get to know one another? Am I open to meeting my partner´s partners?
3. Hopes and Desires:
What are my intentions for this connection in front of my? And what dor I expect from the other? E.g. a one-off sexual adventure, potentially repeated hookups, friend with benefits with activities outside of sex but no romance, passionate affair when out of town, a committed long-term partnership, a life partner to get married and/or have kids with
How much time and energy am I willing to invest in nurturing our connection?
How often would I like to be in touch and what channels do I prefer to use?
Am I interested and willing to integrate this person into my social circles? e.g. meeting metamours, friends, family, kids, presenting as a couple in public
What communication needs do I have for feeling secure and valued in my relationships? (e.g., transparency, regular check-ins, expressions of affection, love languages)
Do I have any long-term aspirations that could affect our relationships? (e.g. desire to find a nesting partnership, starting a family, relocation)
4. Boundaries and Agreements:
What am I not comfortable with, and what am I not interested in or available for in my relationships? E.g. emotional involvement, time commitments
Are there existing commitments and agreements with other partners that could impact our dynamic? (e.g. communication protocols, availability, overnight stays/travel, specific boundaries regarding sexual activities or Kink/BDSM/Fetish/role play, ...)
Are there any past experiences or emotional baggage that the other(s) should know of? Are there particular triggers or sensitive topics I would like to discuss? What about attachment style? What about trauma responses?
Are there any other boundaries I have and the other(s) should know of?
5. Safer Sex Practices:
What safer sex practices am I comfortable within this relationship?
How do I handle safer sex in other relationships? Are there people I am fluid-bonded with?
Active/chronic infections, recent STI testing details, contraceptive methods
How will we handle positive tests for STIs or pregnancy after this encounter?
6. Extra: Community Dynamics: e.g. if you are both in the queer community / sex positive scene / another community and might run into each other more often
Do I share social circles or mutual connections with other partners?
Is the other party likely to run into my partner(s)?
How do I plan to navigate social interactions and public appearances with my partners?
Have I considered power dynamics within my communities and how they may impact my relationship dynamics and public behavior?
7. Aftercare and Future Connection:
How do I prefer to engage in post-intimacy activities? Do I enjoy cuddling and falling asleep in your arms or rather have a shower & run? Do I sleep well next to someone new?
What is my experience with kink? What do I benefit from after a session?
How would I like to connect tomorrow or in the future? When would I like to be in touch again? e.g. a brief check in the next day via text
Anything else I want to request to feel connected/appreciated/…?
8. Closing:
Just like most aspects of life, relationships are dynamic and evolve. As they change it´s probably important to revisit these questions at a later stage/on a continuous basis. Try to form an agreement of when a good/necessary time to review would be.
When would be a good time to check in again? In 3 months? When either of us is catching feelings? If an important other relationship gets more committed?
After both of you have had a turn, close the safer heart talk by appreciating being transparent and vulnerable. Even if you have heard something that might make you a little nervous or need some time to think about, this conversation hopefully enables you to make a more informed choice about if you want to enter this relationship.
Close with: „Thank you for sharing“.
Here is how others make use of the Safer Heart Talk:
Example 1: Natalie (She/Her)
As a pansexual in a polyamorous marriage, I cherish the diversity of love and connection in my life. With two wonderful kids aged 9 and 11, my husband and I started on our non-monogamous journey five years ago, both actively dating others. We like to get to know metamours if things get more serious. Currently, I'm eager to explore romantic relationships and am open to long-term partnerships if the connection feels right. I'm keen to see you for regular dates about once or twice a week, though I need to balance this with family commitments. Our lives are deeply integrated and some might call it hierarchical with a primary-secondary structure. There is no veto-power or such about partners. Sleepovers are only possible when the kids aren't home, and previous partners have been introduced to them as friends. While close friends are aware of my non-monogamous lifestyle, I maintain discretion in social situations, as I'm not out at work. My husband and I prioritize sexual health by maintaining a fluid bond and using condoms with all other partners, with testing occurring about three times a year. When it comes to aftercare, a sweet message the day after our date affirming our connection would mean a lot to me.
Example 2: J (They/Them)
I call myself a Solo. I love meeting interesting people for dates and sex however I have zero interest in getting married. I am open to see where this goes: If we fall in love, great. If this stays something more physical or turns into a friendship, also fine with me. Right now I am on the dating apps and I'm casually dating a few people, reserving Sunday evenings for a friends-with-benefits arrangement. Let's make sure we stay on the same page if feelings or circumstances shift. Maybe check in in a couple of months?
Example 3: Mia (She/Her)
"I would love to further explore our kinky dynamic and would enjoy meetings about once or twice a month. I use protection for all sexual encounters and get tested every few months, depending on how active I have been. I am fairly involved in the Kink scene and as we both run in the same circles, you will most likely see me play with others at events. Oh, and I prefer to sleep alone. Anything else you would like to know?
Example 4: David (He/Him)
I prefer open relationships where I can have a committed partner while engaging in multiple sexual connections. I've been consensually non-monogamous for about four years, valuing autonomy and freedom alongside emotional support and stability. I am currently seeing two people casually and like going to sex-positive events. You should know that I would love to be in a committed romantic relationship again. So far, I like what I have seen of you and I would love to get to know you better by going on regular dates. I would find it great if we would make this a priority and find time once or twice a week. Maybe go out with some friends to a club some time? By the way, I really like how we hold hands in public :) To me, it would be important to check-in again in 6 weeks or so, to see where we both are at.
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